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Collection of Humor
Byron Howell Family Home Page

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  Computer Bits
  • Two ROMs don't make a write.
  • Two businesses refer to their customers as users; the illegal drug trade and the computer industry.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  Favorite Bumper Stickers
  • Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic and I am too!
  • My karma ran over my dogma.
  • Honk if the twins fall out!
  • Private bumper sticker. Please do not read!
  Free Advice
  • Sometimes you have to bend a child over in order to straighten him out.
  • If you encounter a locked door, don't just stand there and holler at it. Go find the key!
  • The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
  • Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  • The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
  • "If you come to a fork in the road, take it!" - Yogi Berra
  • Smile! It increases your face value.
  • Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't get promoted.
  Texas Wisdom
  • Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
  • Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
  • If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
  • Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
  • Don't squat with your spurs on.
  • It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Never miss an good chance to shut up.
  • If you get to thinkin' you're a person of infuence, try orderin' someone else's dog around.
  Questions to Ponder
  • What if we discover that the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • How come we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
  • Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  • Why do "wise guy" and "wise man" mean different things?
  • Is there another word for "synonym"?
  • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
  • Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
  • If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
  • Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • Is boneless chicken classified as an invertebrate?
  • If they arrested the Energizer bunny, would they charge it with battery?
  • If a tin whistle is made of tin, what is a fog whistle made of?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?
  Strange Last Words
  • "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." - Pancho Villa
  • "Hand me a match, I want to see if there is any gas in here." - Stranded Driver
  • "I am about the extent of a tenth of a gnat's eyebrow better." - Joe Chandler Harris
  • "This wallpaper is killing me. One of us has to go." - Oscar Wilde
  Facing Frustrations
  • Fear is that dark room where negatives develop.
  • I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  • It may be that the purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.
  • I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
  • The only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
  • "Status Quo" is Latin for "the mess we're in."
  • Money talks, but all it says to me is "goodbye."
  • My reality check bounced.
  • I bought some powdered water. I'm not sure what to add to it.
  • Life would be simpler if we delivered the newspapers directly to the recycling center.
  • Too many people blame others for problems. Whose fault do you think that is?
  • I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • I'd take a tranquilizer if I could just get my teeth apart.