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Computer Bits
- Two ROMs don't make a write.
- Two businesses refer to their customers as users; the illegal drug trade and the computer industry.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Favorite Bumper Stickers
- Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic and I am too!
- My karma ran over my dogma.
- Honk if the twins fall out!
- Private bumper sticker. Please do not read!
Free Advice
- Sometimes you have to bend a child over in order to straighten him out.
- If you encounter a locked door, don't just stand there and holler at it. Go find the key!
- The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
- Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
- The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
- "If you come to a fork in the road, take it!" - Yogi Berra
- Smile! It increases your face value.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't get promoted.
Texas Wisdom
- Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
- Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
- If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
- Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Never miss an good chance to shut up.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of infuence, try orderin' someone else's dog around.
Questions to Ponder
- What if we discover that the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- How come we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
- Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
- Why do "wise guy" and "wise man" mean different things?
- Is there another word for "synonym"?
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
- Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
- If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
- Is boneless chicken classified as an invertebrate?
- If they arrested the Energizer bunny, would they charge it with battery?
- If a tin whistle is made of tin, what is a fog whistle made of?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?
Strange Last Words
- "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." - Pancho Villa
- "Hand me a match, I want to see if there is any gas in here." - Stranded Driver
- "I am about the extent of a tenth of a gnat's eyebrow better." - Joe Chandler Harris
- "This wallpaper is killing me. One of us has to go." - Oscar Wilde
Facing Frustrations
- Fear is that dark room where negatives develop.
- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- It may be that the purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.
- I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
- The only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
- "Status Quo" is Latin for "the mess we're in."
- Money talks, but all it says to me is "goodbye."
- My reality check bounced.
- I bought some powdered water. I'm not sure what to add to it.
- Life would be simpler if we delivered the newspapers directly to the recycling center.
- Too many people blame others for problems. Whose fault do you think that is?
- I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- I'd take a tranquilizer if I could just get my teeth apart.